Happy Birthday to My Winding Valley!

Eleven years ago, Camden, you came into my life and forever changed it! Your name mean winding valley, and our past 11 years have been full of winding paths and turns, and have landed us where we are today.  Maybe not where I thought we'd be, but in a place where we are stronger, closer, safer, more secure and full of love and life!  

This particular journey started one day while I was packing up maternity clothes and baby items for a young unwed mother in my church.  I remember thinking to myself and saying out loud, "you may want to keep some of these things...one day you will have another child....but NOT with this man"...I remember thinking now is the time to go, I only had one son at the time and he was only 3 1/2, I thought, we would be fine, we could live with my parents til we get on our feet.  And someday maybe I'll meet a good guy and re marry and have another child. BUT until then....  so I continued to pack up those clothes and baby items.

Fast forward one week.....I wasn't feeling well, thought, hmmmmm...could I be?   I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test....a three pack in fact.  Really, who knew they made a three pack?? I mean if you don't know using one... The more I thought about it, the more I thought...I really think I'm pregnant, but noooo, I can't be, not now, not when I'm finally feeling brave enough to leave, ready to say enough is enough.  Over the course of the next few days I took all three of those tests...called the doctor and went in for the blood work.  And on the way home stopped and got another pregnancy test..cause REALLY, I couldn't be!!  The next morning I take that test, get out of the shower and the phone rings, it's the doctor confirming what I already knew but kept denying!  Indeed I WAS pregnant!  

This was my second pregnancy and not a great one.  I was depressed and just had no idea where my life was going and I was scared.   

I had always loved the name Camden, of course my ex didn't like that name.  And fought that name all the way up until I had delivered.  My second delivery was even more difficult than my first, I seriously believe it had to do with my state of mind.  But anyways, I remember my mid wife looking at my then husband and saying, "she deserves to name this baby whatever she wants"    

Camden - means winding valley, crooked valley.  People with this name have a deep inner desire for a stable, loving family..... WOW!   

Who knew that day was the beginning of a whirlwind journey that let me to take the steps necessary to better our lives emotionally, and mentally.   

Camden has enriched my life in so many ways that I can't explain!  He touches everyone he meets! He is full of life, and love!   He gives of himself so deeply and honestly!  God has his hand on this young man!   Camden is a daily reminder that yes life is full of winding valleys, twists and turns sometimes...but life is an adventure to be lived and embraced and cherished!

Home - Made Laundry Detergent

1 CUP BORAX   

1/2 CUP ARM & HAMMER SUPER WASHING SODA

1 BAR FELS-NAPTHA SOAP  

        8 CUPS OF WATER
       
        5 GALLON BUCKET WITH LID

USING A CHEESE GRATER, SHRED THE ENTIRE BAR OF FELS-NAPTHA



WARM THE 8 CUPS OF WATER IN A LARGE STOCK POT  - DO NOT BRING WATER TO A BOIL



ADD GRATED SOAP TO THE WATER AND MIX SLOWLY UNTIL COMPLETELY DISSOLVED



FILL THE 5 GALLON BUCKET ABOUT HALF WAY WITH WARM WATER



AFTER SOAP IS COMPLETELY DISSOLVED ADD SOAP MIXTURE TO THE WATER IN 5 GALLON BUCKET, ADD THE BORAX, A&H SUPER WASHING SODA.  ADD COOL WATER TO FILL UP BUCKET.  MIX TOGETHER SLOWLY UNTIL DISSOLVED.  ADD LID TO THE BUCKET AND LET SET FOR 24 HOURS.  AFTER 24 HOURS REMOVE LID.  SOAP MIXTURE WILL BE GELLED.  MIX UP GELLED MIXTURE UNTIL LUMPS ARE ALL MIXED UP. 
USE 1 – 2 CUPS FOR LAUNDRY WASHING.   YOU MAY ADD YOUR FAVORITE ESSENTIAL OIL TO CUSTOMIZE THE SCENT TO YOUR LIKING.    THIS CAN ALSO BE USED AS A FAMILY ACTIVITY!!    IT’S FUN TO MIX UP THE GELLED MIXTURE!  YOU CAN EVEN USE YOUR HANDS TO BREAK UP THE GELLED LUMPS!  GREAT SENSORY ACTIVITY!  LOL! 

Strategies for Surviving Divorce.

When I finally got the courage to leave, the boys and I moved into a camper at a ranch camp where I was the day camp director.  It was not only offered to me and the boys to live there in hopes that perhaps it would serve as a wake up call to my ex,  but as place of refuge, as a place for me to seek wisdom and courage and to seek God's will.   Soon after settling in as much as one can settle into a tiny camper..the realization that there was no hope of reconciliation became abundantly clear.   My world seemed to come crashing down around me, the walls of that tiny camper closed in and there were many nights after my long day of working with the horses and children, that I felt as if I could barely breath.  I would cry myself to sleep most evenings and I wondered how I was ever going to survive this?  How were my children going to survive this?   Will we survive?

Without a doubt surviving divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Experts say that the pain that comes with divorce rivals the pain that comes with a death of a loved one.  But as my story will unfold and many others before me have told.....surviving divorce is SOOOO possible!!!

Part of surviving divorce for me has involved adopting few strategies.

~Seek out support networks.  Some communities have support groups you can find online.  Or it can be a friend or several friends.  For some it's their family.  I found my support network were the people at the ranch. Everyone I was in contact with from day to day, including the young children that I taught and mentored through out the day. Nothing like a child's view of life to help you keep everything else in prospective.   My brother and sister -in-law and my parents were a huge support for me.  Along with several others.  I found that there were relationships severed through my divorce, but I clung to the ones who I knew loved me and my children,despite my failures.

~Rediscover/redefine yourself.     I found that I had defined myself as only a spouse and a mother...so it was pretty crushing to lose my identity or at least what I saw as my identity.   I made some mistakes here, while redefining myself and this is where those close friendships were severed.  Not really sure why, I did nothing to them, it was more about their disappointment in me and my choices.   But I ventured out of my comfort zone and found some new hobbies, some of which were white water rafting, canoeing, kayaking, rock climbing, repelling, going to outdoor concerts and more!    Even though some of those adventures brought some pain they served as a learning experience and help me realize that I am capable of so much more!   Those new experiences showed me that I AM MORE!

~Minimize the impact on the children.   Divorce is painful for the children.  Especially when there is any sort of abuse in the marriage.  As much as I tried to shield my boys from their dad's alcoholism, it became impossible as his drinking and his verbal abuse intensified.   Divorce causes all sorts of confusion and mixed feelings in children.  But staying aware their moods and what is "their normal" can help you stay one step ahead. I surrounded my boys with their own network of support.  The ranch camp staff  became a family for the boys. It taught my boys how young men should act, and it reassured them that there was good out there. It also gave them a safe place to make sense of it all. Keeping the boys "plugged" into youth group and with positive male role models, like my father, my brother and youth pastor was so important.

It seems so long ago that I had that deep despair and hopelessness.  Now almost 3 years later, I see that light at the end of the tunnel!  So take heart!  There is life after divorce!

This Butterfly WANTS to Fly....But Something Is Holding Her Back!

So I'm struggling today...big time!!   Maybe I'm not as strong as I think I am. I feel very weak and vulnerable, not at all like the strong confident woman I thought I was evolving into.  

I've told you all I was that butterfly waiting for her wings to dry so she could take flight. But to be honest with you all, this butterfly is scared to death!   

I have many flaws....I heard someone say before, we are all like cracked pots. Well, I am definitely a cracked pot!  I've got so many cracks!   And I have been repaired...but those cracks are not refined, they are weak and every once in a while,  I can't endure the pressure and I feel like I'm falling a part again.  

ONE of the hardest parts of me putting my life back together again, is the dating scene.  I dated while going through the divorce process,  which I don't highly recommend.  I understand NOW why that can be a mistake, why that may not have been the best decision on MY part. But now that my divorce is final and I'm ready to see if there really is someone out there for me, I must admit, that well, I HATE IT!  LOL! I still believe that there is that one special someone out there for me, however, I seem to have this issue with TRUST!   All for good reasons.  All because of my past.  BUT not at all fair for the guy that I date!  

So I wonder if it is possible to find real love, real faith, real trust after all that has been broken?  

I'm learning to separate fact from feelings. Trust me, I have come a looooong way. However, I am not as strong as I want to be.    And I'm afraid that I will unintentionally sabotage a relationship because of what weaknesses still remain.  

TRUST is what is holding this butterfly back.  Now to tackle it!  

Comments are welcome!    

~Marcy~

Is it Possible for the Church to Take a More Compassionate Approach on Divorce Without Sending the Wrong Message?

I grew up in the church. I have a strong faith in God and the Christian values.  And I don't want to say anything negative about my church family. My church family is great and there are those who have supported me through prayer and through many different ways.   With that being said, I have found that the church can be the loneliest place to go through divorce.  During my separation and beginning of the divorce process, I found it difficult to go to church, one because I struggled with "feeling" like a failure as a Christian woman. Two, because it was just too painful for me to sit there while everyone sat there with there families still in tact. Thirdly, I didn't know where I fit in anymore. I no longer fit in with the married folks, and I definitely didn't fit in with the single folks. I didn’t fit in with the widows because my spouse didn’t pass away. And despite good intentions, I WAS treated differently.  I felt lost and very much alone.  I wore this “scarlet letter”.

I also found myself alone and without knowledge of how to do some simple repairs around the house.  I thought the role of the church was to help the "widowed" and "orphaned" and even though my spouse did not die...I was left alone with two children and without the knowledge or ability to do certain repairs.   I’m not above learning how to do things around the house, I just didn’t know how or who to call for help.   And I found that when I asked for help from those in the church I was all on my own. I had to be careful of who I asked for help, I couldn't ask for help from anyone who was married, for fear that it would appear that I was hitting on them, and or there was something inappropriate going on. “People would talk”….I couldn't ask the singles, cause again, I was a "marked" woman (that scarlet letter) and people would talk. And it amazes me how  people “talked”….people who had known me since childhood, people who have SEEN my character.  Talk about painful!  But perhaps that’s another post title….  

I have struggled with this.  And I want the message to get out, that the church can be the most painful and scariest place to go through a divorce.  Perhaps the church can and should  do more to accept and support someone going through divorce.   Is it possible for the church to accept and support someone who has been divorced without sending the message “we are pro-divorce.”?  Many churches in their concern about sending such a message, err toward a severe response rather than a compassionate one.  Perhaps a church can even move a step beyond acceptance to acknowledge that divorce may have freed an individual to grow and change, to become more of the person God intended them to be. No, divorce is not the way of the church. But it is a fact, and it happens. It is a very difficult process and those going through a divorce could seriously use a little love and support re building their lives.  Having a compassionate approach doesn’t mean the church is “pro-divorce” any more than God is; it simply demonstrates that the church recognizes God’s ability to work through and redeem ALL circumstances, even the less than ideal ones.

Who Will Be My Valentine?

I know I am not alone when I say I HATE Valentine's Day!   

Most of us associate Valentine's Day with having a significant other.   Then you get bombarded with advertisements for "Every Kiss Begins with Kay's" that show two starry eyed lovers who are obviously sooooo in love! You see this couple or that couple getting married or engaged. You walk down the aisle of the market to see beautiful boxes of chocolates, roses, and think what is wrong with ME?  And you think will I ever have a Valentine?  Who will be my Valentine?  

I find myself in a situation where I will be spending Valentine's evening alone.  Not even my children will be here with me, one has a long awaited play date and the other is going on a youth retreat.   So the selfish part of me thinks NO!  I want them here with me, we can have a game night, have heart shaped meatloaf, make Valentine's crafts, eat junk food.  The selfish part of me says "WHO WILL ME MY VALENTINE?"!  

I look back at those other painfully lonely evenings I've spent while going through my divorce.  Even though those nights were lonely, they proved to be reflective and some what strengthening to me.  

So THIS Valentine's Day, I think I will be my own valentine.  Maybe I'll buy myself some chocolate, or some flowers, or light some candles and enjoy my own time.  Or maybe I will enjoy some retail therapy, within reason of course!  LOL!!  

Whatever I decide to do tomorrow evening on  Valentine's day, I will use it as an opportunity to remember to love myself!  

Maybe I Am More....and Maybe YOU ARE TOO!

My divorce has been final for about 8 months now.  I was separated for a little over two years.   I am 40 something...(AHEM)  and just NOW figuring out who I am as a woman and mother.    I realized not long after my boys and I moved out of the house after talking to a pastor and friend of mine, that I really had no clue who I was. My ex had me so "beaten" down emotionally and mentally that I lost all sense of who Marcy was.   I knew who I wanted to be or at least I thought I did.. BUT REALLY,  could I be more? Could I do more?  Was I worth more?  Just WHO AM I?  These are the answers I have been searching for through this journey.

  

Someone asked me once, if I had to do over again, would I?  The answer is "NO".  If I seriously knew what I know now, I would not have walked down that aisle that February day.  I think I was too young, too naive, too eager to please, and not in love.  I think I was too afraid to admit that.   There were many signs in our dating life that when I look back, I can see were red flags, but I ignored those red flags.

That being said, I wouldn't have my two wonderful boys.  I am so thankful for my boys and I love them with all of my heart.  I am a firm believer that things happen for reason. I don't understand totally why, but I do know that my boys wouldn't be here if I hadn't walked down that aisle. So for that reason alone it was worth it.

So what is the purpose for this journey I am on?  I don't have all the answers.   I have thoughts and ideas of why I think my life has taken this turn.  And maybe all things are not for me to know why.  But I have learned that maybe I am more.  Maybe I really am that girl who likes the great outdoors. Maybe I am that girl who likes to work hard, just not when I'm being screamed at because I mowed the lawn the wrong direction. Maybe I really DO like to cook and maybe I really do know HOW to cook, just forgot because I was told that I couldn't.  And maybe I do know what I'm talking about sometimes.  Maybe there are even people who want me to talk to them, who don't mind if I ask questions.  Maybe someone does value my input.

MAYBE,  Just maybe I AM MORE!

~ Marcy~