Scarlet Letter

I have said all along that for me going through my divorce has made me feel like a marked woman.   The SCARLET LETTER!  

I grew up in the church...I mean I was born in the church!  I served on the church board, children's ministry, youth staff.  The church has been a huge part of my life, my WHOLE life.   I am a Christian woman, Christian women don't "get divorced".  

I had a wise mentor say that I needed to be careful of the people I chose to hang out with now, because the people in the church were watching and I was now a "marked woman".  I can honestly tell you that is how I felt from day one, and now that someone in authority "confirmed" my feeling, it must be true.   I am a marked woman! I now wore the scarlet letter,  "D".  

I know I am not the only one who has gone through a divorce in the church, so there is no real need to feel so alone. But I did and I still do at times.  I no longer feel like I belong.  I don't belong in the couple category, I don't belong in the "single" category.    When I look at the bulletin and see all the activities going on, couple nights, family activities...I feel like I don't belong.  Where do I fit in?

So among the other financial, emotional, mental, and physical challenges a woman faces with coming through a divorce, there also comes overcoming the stigma that comes with divorce.  But just like all those other challenges we face, it only makes us stronger!  

So guess what, I'm learning to  LET GO, it is what it is.  No one is in the position to judge the outcome of my life, except me and my heavenly Father. I'm taking this opportunity to reinvent myself, refocus and take care of ME!    

FUNNY FRIDAYS

woohoo!  It's Friday!   This picture is courtesy of ALLFUNNYSTUFF.COM  

Wordless Wednesday

#WW ~ Wordless Wednesday
Photo of Goose taken by me at Cheat Lake, WV
editing done using PicMonkey

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAV BRO!!

This is a shout out to my brother Ron Agostoni!  Today is his birthday and I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to him and let him know how much I love him!!!

Like all families that have their little things...one of my favorite things about my brother is how he and I sign cards for each other...we have always signed them "from your fav sis or from your fav bro"   Someone said once...why would you say that, you are each other's only brother/sister...so OBVIOUSLY you are the fav! But it's just one of those things that we've always done!  And I LOVE it!  My brother also has this way of always picking out the very sarcastically humorous cards!  I wouldn't know what to do without his sarcastic humor!  

We have our differences obviously, but he seriously is the BEST BROTHER EVER!!  I love you Ron! Thank you for being my brother and a good uncle to the boys!

LOVE YOUR FAV. SIS!!!    ;)

MARCY

I Don't Even Know Who You Are

Through the many pains of going through my divorce.  I have found the one of the most painful things was losing some friendships along the way.

I understand that it's normal for some friends to chose sides with one or the other in the divorce.  In my situation mostly everyone has "sided" (I hate to say it that way) with me.   Most people in my life have understood and stood by me and my decision to get out of the situation I was in.  But while I have had a lot of support and encouragement, I have also had my share of criticism and hurtful things said to me.  Such is life, I know.  

One of the most painful things that has been said to me through this...was "I don't even know who you are anymore, this is not the Marcy that I knew." In the midst of ME trying to figure out who I was and figure out how to put my life back together in a way that made some sort of sense, REALLY?, I mean I was and am the SAME loving, devoted, trustworthy, dedicated, hardworking woman of God that "you" thought you knew", I AM still me....and perhaps those things you disapproved of were REALLY who I was, but in light of living under the dictatorship of an abusive alcoholic, you never saw it because I was never allowed to express the REAL me.   One of the things that this particular person taught me through the years of knowing them was how to have a voice, how to speak for myself, that what I had to say did matter.  This person showed me that God had something more for me. This person has taught me so much and I value all the things I've learned from them.  So them cutting me out of their life has been almost as painful as my marriage ending.  

Let me clarify something, while going through my separation and divorce, I really have made some stupid mistakes. Made some not so good contacts and made some not so emotionally and spiritually healthy choices.  And I believe that this person who has cut me out of their life wanted "more" for me, and was disappointed in my choices.  So while they may have had the best intentions, they have decided for whatever reason, I am not the person that they thought I was and not longer want to be a part of my life.  

While, I may not understand it, and I may not have a say in whether this person talks to me or not. I WOULD like to say... I am still the Marcy you thought you knew.  I have always been this way.  I am still a woman of integrity and morals. I still have my faith and I am still a woman after God's own heart.  I am still a strong woman who loves hard and plays hard!  I am loyal to my friends, and family. I have fallen short, but I'm still running the race.  So just because you say you don't know who I am...doesn't mean I have changed all that much.  I'm sorry to disappoint you....but THIS IS WHO I AM!  

FUNNY FRIDAYS

Another new addition to my blog!   Funny Fridays!!!     

While being in an abusive marriage, I use to dread the weekends.  That was when his drinking and behavior was the worse  I usually ended up hiding in my bedroom, or running away alone somewhere.  So while everyone else was like “woohoo!”  It’s Friday, I was, like yay, It’s Friday  

So with my new found freedom and life!  I have learned how to enjoy the weekends!  Learned how to have FUN!  So to honor that newfound  love of the weekends, I want to kick off the weekend on a good note for everyone!   Hence, FUNNY FRIDAYS!!!  

I want everyone to chime in with either a funny story, funny picture, or funny positive comment!   It’s FUN to have FUN!!!  woohoo!!!!  GUESS WHAT?????  It’s FRIDAY!!!   woot woot!  Wishing everyone a great, safe, and fun weekend!!! 

Putting a Name to the Abuser.....

The other day, a friend sent me an excerpt from the book Why Does He Do That?  by Lundy Bancroft.   

In this book Lundy, outlines 9 abusive personality traits.  

I have not read this book entirely yet, but I have downloaded it to my Ipad, can't wait to read it!  

The excerpt I read took me back to my years of abuse.   I could never quite figure out what was happening to me.  I spent many days, many nights curled up in my room, wondering,  trying to figure out if what he did to me was even considered abuse, or if I was just nutty!  He was so good at quietly torturing me that I was convinced that I was indeed the one who was just plain crazy!  

This is the excerpt I read.  Thank you Lundy Bancroft for putting a name to my abuser.   

THE WATER TORTURER [Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?]

The Water Torturer's style proves that anger doesn't cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her—mimicking her voice, and cruel, cutting remarks. Like Mr. Right, he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other minor acts of violence that don't generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, See, you're the abusive one, not me. You're the one who's yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally. I wasn't even raising my voice. It's impossible to reason with you.

The psychological effects of living with the Water Torturer can be severe. His tactics can be difficult to identify, so they sink in deeply. Women can find it difficult not to blame themselves for their reactions to what their partner does if they don't even know what to call it. When someone slaps you in the face, you know you've been slapped. But when a woman feels psychologically assaulted, with little idea why, after an argument with The Water Torturer, she may turn her frustration inward. How do you seek support from a friend, for example, when you don't know how to describe what is going wrong?

The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says, What the hell are you talking about? I've never done anything to you. Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple's interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other, I don't know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he's so low-key. Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps for your own good or to get you to wake up rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.

If you are involved with a Water Torturer, you may struggle for years trying to figure out what is happening. You may feel that you overreact to his behavior and that he isn't really so bad. But the effects of his control and contempt have crept up on you over the years. If you finally leave him, you may experience intense periods of delayed rage, as you become conscious of how quietly but deathly oppressive he was.

This style of man rarely lasts long in an abuser program unless he has a court order. He is so accustomed to having complete success with his tactics that he can't tolerate an environment where the counselors recognize and name his maneuvers and don't let him get away with them. He tends to rapidly decide that his group leaders are as crazy as his partner and heads for the door.

The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:

• You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.

• I can easily convince other people that you're the one who is messed up.

• As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.

• I know exactly how to get under your skin.

If you'd like to read more about this book or Lundy, please follow the link below!

http://www.lundybancroft.com/homepage/lundy-bancroft 
  
Or you can purchase the book here :  http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

All credit for this post goes to Mr. Lundy, and his book Why Does He Do That?  I am in no way affiliated personally or professionally with Mr. Lundy.  Although I would love to meet this man and thank him!!  I just find his book to very liberating and helpful in my survival of an abusive relationship.   I hope you find it as helpful as I am finding it to be!  

Wordless Wednesday

                     

Wordless Wednesday  #WW

EASY MONDAY NIGHT MEAL ~ Pasta with Bacon and Leeks! ~

Another recipe I found that I've tweaked to save time!   Found this in a Food Network Magazine!  YUM!!

12 ounces of rigatoni or other short pasta
6 Slices of cooked bacon, broken into tiny pieces
1 bunch of leaks the white and green parts only, sliced thinly.  Make sure to rinse well.
Ground Pepper
3/4 cup Heavy Cream
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Chopped parsley

Cook rigatoni in pot of salted water according to pasta directions.  Reserve 1 cup of the cooking water from the pasta.  Drain rest of it.

Meanwhile cook bacon, the original says to cook in skillet and reserve some of the bacon grease to cook the leeks in.  HOWEVER,  to speed up this meal, I cooked bacon in the microwave while cooking the leeks until tender in a skillet in a small amount of olive oil.  I added salt and pepper to the leeks.

Add the cream to the leeks in the skillet and cook until it starts to thicken. About 2 minutes.

Add pasta to the skillet along with the Parmesan, half of the bacon and 1/2 teaspoon pepper.  Toss to coat adding enough of the reserve water to loosen up.  To serve, top with remaining bacon, more Parmesan and parsley.

This took me about 30 minutes to cook!    Great fast Monday night meal!

INKED for the first time!!!

Done!!! I did it! I did it! This butterfly is ready to fly!!!! I've been thinking about getting this tattoo for over a year now and back in December I finally decided to do it!!  FIRST time getting inked!  And it wasn't as bad as I was anticipating!  LOL!   

This tattoo is to signify new beginnings......at the beginning of my divorce process, when I felt like my life was over,  someone dear to me gave me a butterfly bracelet to remind me of the fact that God had something good for me...that He was transforming me..and that my life was not over, that I was that butterfly, waiting for her wings to dry to take flight. Well I wore that bracelet EVERY day it was my daily reminder that I would get through that dark time in my life. That bracelet broke and I couldn't find another one like it......this butterfly won't break or get lost...it is my constant reminder of my transformation and the fact that my life is not over...it is just beginning.    

Ronnie the most awesometastic tattoo artist!!  He told me that this was my first tattoo, but wouldn't be my last.  I can honestly say, I never pictured myself ever having one let alone more than one tattoo.  BUT as I sat there getting inked, there was a butterfly in a horseshoe hanging over the thresh hold of Ronnie's door....and both horses and butterflies have significant meaning to me!  For me they mean second chances,  and new beginnings.....so perhaps there is some hidden meaning behind that.....possibly a horseshoe tattoo in my future??  

NOT as painful as I had anticipated!  LOL 

Do you see that arrow head behind me with the horses.... perhaps another tattoo is in my future.  

~Cheeseburger Soup ~

I have never made cheeseburger soup, but in light of the cold and snowy day we are having here in Western Pennsylvania, it sounds like a good soup to try out!

I looked up several recipes online and found TONS! I was looking for a lighter version, Weight Watchers friendly one....and this is what I found.   I have tweaked it a little here and there because I did not have all of the ingredients called for in the original recipe.  But isn't that what cooking is all about?   A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and voila`!?!

WE SHALL SEE!!!

Again there are many of cheeseburger recipes out there, I made a list of the ingredients that I actually used.

Ingredient list

*Minced garlic
*Chopped onion
*1 cup shredded carrots - I did not shred mine, used baby carrots.
*4 cups of potatoes
*1 pound lean ground beef
*3 tbsp flour ( I keep Gold Medal Wondra quick mixing flour on hand for adding to soups)
*3 cups reduced sodium chicken broth
*1 1/2 cups fat free evaporated milk ~ divided
*8 oz. lowfat cheddar cheese
*1/2tsp paprika
Dash of table salt
Dash of pepper

In a large sauce pan, add vegetables, broth and salt.  Bring to a boil then reduce heat. Cover and simmer until potatoes are tender about 15-20 minutes.

Brown ground beef in a skillet, drain off extra fat, if you have really lean ground meat, there really won't be much to drain off.  In my case, my family and I buy a side of beef from a local farmer every year and his ground meat is extremely lean!  I love supporting our local farmers!

Since I don't always use fresh vegetable and garlic, after I've browned and drained the ground beef I usually put it back in the skillet and mix in what dried ingredients I use.

This recipe I used is a stove top version, there are slow cooker versions out there as well.  Totally up to you and what you want to do!

Stir beef and 1 cup of the milk into the saucepan.

In a small bowl combine flour and remaining milk, stir til lump free.  Gradually stir into the soup.  Bring to a simmer, cook until thick and bubbly.  About 2 minutes.  Reduce heat, add cheese and paprika.  Stir until melted.

Serve topped with tortilla chips or whatever topping you want.  May add a spoonful of sour cream.  I am not a sour cream fan, so I usually skip it.

I use to hate to cook, but I've learned that I don't ALWAYS have to follow the recipe, it's about what I have and want to use.  My grandmother made it up as she went along and she was an amazing cook!  So why can't I???  Really cooking is about trying new things.  Adding this and that!  So tweak it anyway you'd like! Add pepper jack cheese instead cheddar.  A lot of the recipes I found used the processed cheese, which I am not fond of so, but that's just my personal choice, so I used cheddar.  Choose your poison, well.... so to speak!

SAHM VS Working Mom

I have had some week!  Work was exhausting!  I miss the days that I could see my boys off to school and then be here with dinner ready when they get back home.  Going to school parties and being a chaperon for school trips.

I was thinking this week.  I remember back with my first son and while I was still married.  I was determined to do the stay at home mom thing.  I was hell bent on being there, being the soccer mom, boy scout mom, PTA mom, doing it all.  And I did!  I was creative and always thinking of ways to make my son's day better!   Play dates, home made play dough and finger paints,  rice tables, trips to the park, rainy day activities.  I loved every part of being a SAHM!   I volunteered for EVERYTHING!

When my son was in second grade, I was pretty much the only classroom mom that year. I remember thinking, WHERE are the parents?  Where are the other moms?  Don't they care?   I would NEVER miss an opportunity to be here and do this for my children.  How can you not want to be here?

I was there every year my oldest son was in elementary school.  It hit me hard this week as I celebrated my youngest's 11th birthday, that this is his last year at elementary school.  He will be heading off to middle school.  And I have not had the opportunity to be there like I was with my oldest.  It saddened me greatly. What I was able to do for my first son, I was not able to do for my second because of circumstances beyond my control.

LIGHT BULB moment for Marcy.... perhaps those other parents wanted to be there too, but because of jobs and not having personal time or vacation time to utilize or because of other circumstances beyond their control they could not.

OH MY GOSH, another light bulb moment!  .....I've so been guilty of being one sided in the working mom versus stay at home mom war.  I'm awful, how judgmental of me!!!

Working parents AND stay at home parents both make sacrifices.  Both want the best for their children. For some that means staying home and being that guiding force with a more hands on approach from that early age.  For others that means going to work to provide for more than the basic necessities.  And obviously for some that means going to work because they really do need to be able to provide just the basic necessities.

Everyone has to make a choice as to what is beneficial for their family.  There should be respect for the process even if that means there is a different outcome than what we originally believed in.

Even though I am saddened that I haven't been able to be there at the school for Camden, as I was for Noah, I have come to terms with the fact this is a new chapter in our lives.  I continue to be as much of a part in my boys' lives as I can be.  We have dinner as a family.  We fold laundry together. We have game nights.  I run them to their activities.  I find that the car rides are the best conversation times!