Wordless Wednesdays~Rainbows of Life~

FWF ~ First Time Home Buyer ~

Little late, but better late than never!  Today's free writing Friday is coming a little later this week.  But I've been a little crazy this past week.
 
Since the separation and divorce the boys and I have called someone else's home our home.  This place we've been living in belongs to a family member.  It served a dual purpose us living here for the last several years. It gave us a roof over our head at an affordable rate while allowing this family member to hold on to something they weren't ready to part with just yet.  It is a cute and tiny house! And when I say tiny...I mean, only one bedroom.  The boys and I have been sharing our space...talk about no privacy!  BUT I am not knocking it, it has served a very useful purpose.  It has allowed us to get back on our feet.  It has allowed me to regain my independence and given me the courage to move forward.  It has been our safe place.   MY safe place.

NOW is the time to set out on another first.....I have been in the process of buying my first house.  I have never bought my OWN house.  All the places we lived in while I was married, were already in the possession of my ex.  We called home the family farm.... and I loved it there.  But never got to "pick" my own place.  So the fact I am doing this totally on my own is exciting and at the same time stressful!

This process of buying my first house has been exhausting!  WHAT a process it is!?!?  My closing is slated to be May 30th....and I still haven't gotten a confirmation, a definite that it is indeed happening!  And that has this worry wort, well a little worried.  I keep being told that everything is going well, and as it should.  But everyday, it seems to be something else...that the underwriter wants!  The only thing I haven't provided at this point is my DNA!

I am so not a patient person!  I just want to know that I indeed will be a first time home owner this time next week!  I just want my OWN bedroom!

Is that really too much to ask?!?!  

Now that it is Memorial Day weekend, I must wait another four days to get an answer!!!!  MORE waiting.....So I will take and try to relax this weekend...and practice my patience!  

I wish you all a happy and safe Memorial Day!

~Marcy~

I'm a Single Mom......

I know this is not a new concept!  Women have been raising children on their own for decades!    And there are mixed feelings, reviews, and studies as to how well children turn out in single parent homes. I am not here to say one is better than the other.  And I'm not saying parenting in a two parent home is any easier. Parenting in general is tough.

I have very helpful, reliable parents who make it possible for me to get to work on time in the mornings by seeing my boys off to school.  Who will be there to go pick them up when they are sick and I can't get the time off.  My parents are my support system!  I know I would find a way if I did not have my parents.   I am very grateful and very fortunate to have my parents.  

That all being said.  I want to vent...vent about the fact that the fathers in the divorced relationship not ALWAYS, but in most cases have no freakin' clue what we do! They didn't know what we did when we were married, they have no clue NOW especially.  They get to be the fun weekend parent.  They don't have to worry about homework, carpooling, phone calls from the school, sick kids being sent home from school, taking the kids to their appointments, blah, blah, blah. They don't have to worry about finding child care.   Breakfast, lunch, dinner, NO they only have to worry about taking them to dinner when they pick them up or ordering take out....they get to do the fun activities.  They get to fill their weekends up with fun, they don't deal with the mundane, day to day issues.  So of course the kids can't wait to go to "dads" for the weekend...of course "dad let's you do this, or dad let's you do that".  DAD is the fun part time parent.  They do not parent 24/7.  Oh there are those who actually call their children during the week, and kudos to them that take the time to do so... there are those who don't even do that....BUT you still don't have to be the parent 24/7 and you don't know what it's like to do it alone.

The realization hit me this morning..I am the primary parent.  I AM the one who has to make sure child care is arranged so that I can make it to work on time.  I AM the one who is responsible for everything. And I don't mind it at all, I make it work.  I LOVE being a mom.  I LOVE my boys.  They are my world. BUT the realization that I no longer have a partner to "partner" in parenting my boys, hit me hard today. It overwhelmed me.   I really am a single mom.  And I know I can do it...I will do it. I AM doing it!  I am fine, they are fine, WE will be fine.  BUT it still sux sometimes!  

I would love to hear from other single moms/single parents...Offer up some encouraging words for each other!   How do you do it sometimes?  Does anyone else feel overwhelmed at times?  What do you do when you are feeling overwhelmed?

Wordless Wednesday ~ The Impossible is Probable~

Learning to be a DIYer ~ More Firsts for Me!! ~

So, among the many other things I'm learning to do on my own since becoming a divorcee, I'm learning to be a DIYer!!

I have no idea what my style would be considered.  I think I'm more of an eclectic gal..love mixing and matching.  Shabby chic maybe...I dunno.  Anyways, while I've been trying to figure out what I LIKE and not worried about what I'm told to like, I've decided that I really like the brown/turquoise color scheme.

I've always envied those peeps who can take an old piece of furniture and reinvent it, making it work with their decor.  Wanted to always try it...but have lacked the confidence to go ahead and do it.

I've been looking for a particular TV stand....haven't found exactly what I love or what I thought I was willing to pay that much for.  I was at a local mission/thrift store and found what I think to be a record player stand thingy.  The thought came to me...WHAT if I painted this and then sanded...OR chalk painted...or what if I just tried something different???  It was only $20.00, so what could it hurt?  Why not try it?  That is what I did!  I tried it!  And this is what I got...........

Before........

And after........I will cut holes in the back to thread the cords through the back...

I enjoyed expanding my horizons and trying something new and totally out of my box!  I am so ready to do another project...I mean practice makes perfect, right????

FWF ~ Mother's Day Fun ~

This week's free writing Friday, I want to wish everyone a belated Happy Mother's Day!!!

Mother's day weekend we were busy doing mommy and son stuff!  LOVED every minute of it.  Started out Friday, my oldest son had some of his friends over for his birthday.  My youngest and I went walking to just hang out and stay out of Noah's and his friend's hair!

Saturday we were supposed to do family pictures at the park...I was SOOOOO looking forward to pictures with my boys.   But the weather just didn't cooperate!  I was disappointed. The boys were singing praises to the rain for saving them from pictures!   Noah and Camden came up with plan B.  The boys wanted to go spend some leftover Christmas and birthday money.  Off to the mall we went!

I absolutely LOVE going to the mall with my boys!  We usually go the mall and then stop at Arby's....My oldest usually says..."mom, ya know what I'm thinking?"  And I'll say..."I think I see a hat..an Arby's hat over your head!"   He'll reply with "you know it".  This time he wanted to treat to Arby's.  Somehow I ended up paying and he got out of "treating everyone"....how did that happen????  lol

We have the most interesting conversations while driving!  I find all sorts of things out that they've been thinking!  Sometimes I'm in shock, other times, I just shake my head and laugh.  Oh the joys of owning two boys!  lol

We followed up Saturday at the farm with Kodak and Camden practicing his photography skills! Woke ups Sunday to a bowl full of chocolate and presents, and bacon pancakes..yeah...bacon pancakes..LOL   Thank you Noah! Then went to dinner with MY mamma and daddy!   Ended the perfect day with Camden at the park and then at the farm playing photographer again.

My photographer in the making, perhaps?  Taken by Camden

Just when I start feeling overwhelmed with being a mom, a single mom..heck just being a mom is tough single or otherwise.  Anyways, just when I'm feeling at the end of my rope and feeling like I am just not doing enough for my boys...(cause that is one of those single mom things, feeling guilty that you are some how cheating/robbing your children because your marriage failed.) SO just when I'm feeling like a total failure...I get a home made card from one of my children reminding me that I must be doing something right....

Camden knows how to melt my heart!   

Kodak and I posing for Camden ~ per his request!  He's a bit bossy as a photographer, just sayin'  

Loves of my life!!!  My boys!  

Wordless Wednesday ~~Do You Speak Horse?~~

My son Camden took this picture of Liberty and Noah...horse talk!  LOL

FWF ~ A Girl and Her Horse!

Friday date night with Kodak!  LOL  Best date ever!! JS

Wednesday I posted a picture with the title, My Therapist, Kodak.  I've made reference to Kodak and his healing my heart while I helped nurse him back to health.

I have been part of a Christian Western Ranch Camp family for several years now.  I use to be their day camp director.  I still have the privilege of calling them my ranch family.  That is a place where I say "God lives".   A place I call home and feel safe.  Where life all makes sense.  Where I and my boys started putting our lives back together.  

Anyways, it's a ranch..which means there are horses!  I have always loved horses and have wanted one or some of my own.  It was never a reality until I started working for the ranch.  You can't help but be awed by the beauty of horse.  They are strong, they are mysterious, they are the most majestic creature ever created! I became the proud owner of my own horse not long after starting for the ranch.  I lived on the family farm with my ex...so it was able to be a reality..for the time being.   

While going through the separation and early part of the divorce, my boys and I lived  at camp. Most evenings after a long days work at the ranch I would go and sit and watch the herd.  I would sit there for hours watching the herd drama unfold and I would just be in awe.  You can learn a lot by watching the dynamics of a herd!  It was healing for my aching soul.   When my world was falling a part and nothing made sense.....this is where I learned to start being strong, to start thinking.  Where I learned to take one step at a time and keep moving forward.  

In addition to everything else I lost through the divorce, I had to come with the terms that since I no longer lived at the family farm, I could no longer keep my horse.  I had to do what was best for me to start over and what was best for my Bella at the time.  She went to a wonderful young girl!  Amazing how that too worked out!  It was meant to be!  I loved Bella, but Bella belonged with Katie.  They are meant to be! While I made a little girls dream come true, mine fell a part....BUT just because one door closes......right???

Fast forward to the summer of 2013....one of the ranch horses that I have always loved and felt a bond with was seriously injured.  I hadn't been as involved that summer, so I was sort of out of the know. A fellow friend of mine who was doing work at the ranch knew of my love for Kodak, and he too had developed a special bond with Kodak.  When Kodak was injured he contacted me.  He sent me a picture of his wound. I've never seen anything like it!  I know there have been worse...but in my experience that had been the worse I had encountered.   Kodak was not good, it didn't look good.  But my friend started to take care of him and asked if I'd like to contribute to the care of Kodak.  I said yes, of course!  I LOVED Kodak!  

sucking on his candy!  

Kodak had to be in the barn and not in with the rest of the herd.  He required daily care.  I spent many nights with Kodak, tending to his wound, feeding him, grooming him, talking to him, crying over him. Spoiling him! I would sit for hours in his stall with him....propped up against him or the stall door....feeling his breathe, sharing butterscotch and peppermint candies.  He LOVES his butterscotch!  I've never seen a horse suck on candy the way that Kodak does....he sucks on the candy, then chews it, then sticks his tongue out...then sucks some more!  It is hilarious!!!

Back in the fall I obtained primary custody of Kodak and assumed full responsibility for him and his continual care.  We didn't think he'd be able to be back hitting the trails for a very long time...but one fall afternoon, we saddled him up and I started working him!  He was awesome!  

His leg is still mending, but he is amazing!  He runs, gallops as if nothing is wrong!  It truly is a story of a miraculous healing!  

One of the most amazing parts of this...is that we helped each other!  I can't tell you the bond that I have with him now.   So its true...the amazing power of friendship...between a girl and her horse!  

Tacked up ~ first time since his injury.

A friend of mine snapped this pic...this is where I spent many of nights!  

Wordless Wednesday!! ~~~ Meet my therapist....KODAK!!

Do Over

Feeling very emotional today, and the fact that TOM has come for his monthly visit doesn't help!

Today started with me having an argument with someone that I did not intend to argue with. I didn't want to argue with them.  But I did and I feel badly.   I've found that when I want my voice to be heard. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.  I'm not proud of this...one of my many flaws.  I just wanted to be heard and have my thoughts and my point be validated. Turns out that my point is not valid. That I just over react and over think things.  But seriously, IF there was something that I could do to ease an insecurity or make a loved one feel more secure then I would do it. Borrowing it doesn't involve anything illegal or immoral.  I would do what I could even if I disagreed if it meant that much to that some one.   I guess that is another flaw of mine.

My day at work also went poorly.  Sometimes what I do can involve somewhat dangerous and scary situations.  Today was both of those..or at least I felt very threatened.  Today was the very first day at in the almost 2 years of being there, that I felt really threatened. I was a tad bit shaken by the events at work.  But I STILL love what I do!

You would think that after spending day after day helping others redirect their feelings, emotions and actions into something constructive and beneficial that I would find it easier to do so myself.  I find however that sometimes I suck at it personally!   I find that I let fear, insecurities, past failures, and my flaws over ride what I KNOW I should do.  And... well then I end up having an argument with someone I care about and feel even worse than I did at the beginning of the day.   Such is the case for today.   I am so frustrated with myself!!

I have told those I work with when they make mistakes, that we all make mistakes. The important thing to do is own up to the mistake and make amends where amends can be made and move forward.  I say let's have a do over.

I can't take back some of the insane things I said this morning, I can't go back. I have apologized for my behavior.  I will learn from this mistake.  Hopefully I will handle it differently next time.  Or perhaps as my heart continues to heal and I continue to re discover myself I won't let those insecurities that I was having today bother me as much in the future.

Tomorrow is a new day. New start, new beginnings.  DO OVER.

Love,

Marcy

Free Writing Friday ~ True Friendship Never Ends....or so I thought.

Timer set....ready, gooooo.....

I'm sorry my friend, that I've disappointed you.  I'm sorry that I have made some poor choices over these last few years while my whole world fell a part.  I'm sorry that I am not the "same" Marcy you knew way back then. With all due respect, I had no idea who Marcy was!  I'm sorry that the Marcy that I was discovering was not the one you approved of.  

How do you go from being my biggest mentor, my biggest supporter, one of the most important people in my life to just totally cutting my out of your life/lives.  You are the one who taught me to step out of my box. You're the one who told me "God has something more for you".   You told me that I would always have a place there with you and your family.   You taught me SOOOO MUCH.  How to be strong, how to have a voice. 

And when you were making a huge hurtful mistake in your life so many years ago, I was not happy with you, I saw the pain you were causing your loved one and those who looked up to you.  I told you of my concern. You told me it was no concern of mine.  You told me that with all due respect you knew what you were doing and that it was all good.  Turns out it wasn't, and you hurt yourself as well as several people because your err in judgment.   I was still there loving and supporting you when the dust settled.  I didn't agree with you then, but I didn't leave you or abandon our relationship because of your choice.   

So why when I made a choice that you did not agree with and made it known to you that I "knew what I was doing", even though it turns out I had no freakin' clue!  I was being naive, well let's just call it was it is..stupid.  So why after my poor choice and the dust has settled have you abandoned me and our relationship?  It hurts me deeply that you have walked away from our friendship because of a poor choice I made.  

I'm sorry that I didn't turn out to be who you thought I was.  I'm sorry that the Marcy that you helped step outside of her box was a disappointment to you.  

Just so you know, I am STILL that Marcy. I have not abandoned my faith.  I still have a heart after God.  I still love others with all of my heart.  I still do my best.  I still stand up for my faith, and my beliefs.  I still stand up for what I know to be right.  I still give of myself. I am still a little battered and bruised. BUT I am so much stronger than I was.  And that is in part because of you.  So thank you for teaching me so much. But just so you know I am deeply hurt that we are no longer friends.  

I wish you all the best my dear friend.  I will always be grateful for what you have taught me.  

Love,

Marcy