When I finally got the courage to leave, the boys and I moved into a camper at a ranch camp where I was the day camp director. It was not only offered to me and the boys to live there in hopes that perhaps it would serve as a wake up call to my ex, but as place of refuge, as a place for me to seek wisdom and courage and to seek God's will. Soon after settling in as much as one can settle into a tiny camper..the realization that there was no hope of reconciliation became abundantly clear. My world seemed to come crashing down around me, the walls of that tiny camper closed in and there were many nights after my long day of working with the horses and children, that I felt as if I could barely breath. I would cry myself to sleep most evenings and I wondered how I was ever going to survive this? How were my children going to survive this? Will we survive?
Without a doubt surviving divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Experts say that the pain that comes with divorce rivals the pain that comes with a death of a loved one. But as my story will unfold and many others before me have told.....surviving divorce is SOOOO possible!!!
Part of surviving divorce for me has involved adopting few strategies.
~Seek out support networks. Some communities have support groups you can find online. Or it can be a friend or several friends. For some it's their family. I found my support network were the people at the ranch. Everyone I was in contact with from day to day, including the young children that I taught and mentored through out the day. Nothing like a child's view of life to help you keep everything else in prospective. My brother and sister -in-law and my parents were a huge support for me. Along with several others. I found that there were relationships severed through my divorce, but I clung to the ones who I knew loved me and my children,despite my failures.
~Rediscover/redefine yourself. I found that I had defined myself as only a spouse and a mother...so it was pretty crushing to lose my identity or at least what I saw as my identity. I made some mistakes here, while redefining myself and this is where those close friendships were severed. Not really sure why, I did nothing to them, it was more about their disappointment in me and my choices. But I ventured out of my comfort zone and found some new hobbies, some of which were white water rafting, canoeing, kayaking, rock climbing, repelling, going to outdoor concerts and more! Even though some of those adventures brought some pain they served as a learning experience and help me realize that I am capable of so much more! Those new experiences showed me that I AM MORE!
~Minimize the impact on the children. Divorce is painful for the children. Especially when there is any sort of abuse in the marriage. As much as I tried to shield my boys from their dad's alcoholism, it became impossible as his drinking and his verbal abuse intensified. Divorce causes all sorts of confusion and mixed feelings in children. But staying aware their moods and what is "their normal" can help you stay one step ahead. I surrounded my boys with their own network of support. The ranch camp staff became a family for the boys. It taught my boys how young men should act, and it reassured them that there was good out there. It also gave them a safe place to make sense of it all. Keeping the boys "plugged" into youth group and with positive male role models, like my father, my brother and youth pastor was so important.
It seems so long ago that I had that deep despair and hopelessness. Now almost 3 years later, I see that light at the end of the tunnel! So take heart! There is life after divorce!
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